“While you are busy about the process of pursuing your vision, something is going on behind the scenes that you are probably not aware of. It’s something you cannot see. It may not become apparent until your work is accomplished. While you are consumed with the nuts and bolts of your vision, God is at work on a parallel plan that will ultimately complement and give deeper significance to the vision or visions that absorb your attention.”

Source: Visioneering by Andy Stanley

Recently, I went through a series of spiritual tests. There were several in a very short amount of time and in my heart of hearts my greatest desire was to “pass” these tests; to trust God so emphatically that I could remain at peace with a joyful heart through it all. Oftentimes, when I began feeling down, I simply replaced my “feeling” with praising God. (It’s very difficult to be depressed when you are praising God.) Sometimes, it was an act of the will alone; the ability to choose my response.

Then one day I was so drastically disappointed by some news that I fell apart. I walked around my office in circles crying out to God…pleading with Him to help me understand. Things just didn’t make sense. I was angry and with my anger came a sense of entitlement. It looked something like this:

Why, Lord? I feel like you have dangled a carrot in front of me only to snatch it away. You know what the past few weeks have been like, the turmoil in my life. I have followed you. I have loved you. I have been obedient to you. Why?

Essentially, I was stuck in the middle of a pity party starring myself as the guest of honor. It took no time at all for the enemy of my soul to begin his accusations. The condemnation set in deeply. Though I prayed and asked my sweet Jesus to forgive me for my lack of faith and for my sense of entitlement, I couldn’t shake the feeling of guilt and shame. It took me a while to “return” to praise but eventually I did.

Shortly after, I read this quote by Andy Stanley and my spirit received it as truth. I still don’t have the answers to the meaning of the events that recently took place in my life. There have been no AHA moments but I choose to rest in the love that my Father has for me, the infinite grace He bestows upon me, and the mercy that He pours out on me continually.

It truly is a choice.

Be still and know that I am God.